Last week, an amazing opportunity presented itself to me. I am moving to China for 3 months, and I am excited about that. My first therapist told me that your gut instinct is usually right, and I have found that the decisions I make based on that vague feeling of being “right” are the best decisions I make.
However, this feeling of excitement and “rightness” doesn’t forego my anxiety. I have been feeling physically sick with anxiety at various points during this past week. The day I handed in my notice I had a splitting headache and nausea immediately afterwards, a direct response from a stressful situation. I wanted to cry during the visa application process, and again felt sick. I haven’t been sleeping, and as I write this I feel nauseous, and my IBS is playing up. Even though it was my birthday yesterday, and I spent a nice (albeit noisy) day with family, at the end of the day I was holding back tears thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
I think I am most anxious about the living situation. One of the first blog posts I wrote was about how I was being bullied in my last shared flat when I was at university. I am legitimately terrified that the same thing will happen again, and I will revert back to not being able to leave my room. I am scared that at work I will panic and not be able to do what I am going out there to do, and that I will let down the company and the children I am going to be working with. What if I arrive and I can’t stop crying, or can’t leave my room to go to work? I’m more than a 2 hour car journey away, and although I could always go home, it won’t be as easy.
Is it too late to do anything about this? I know I won’t be able to get therapy between now and leaving, and so I am considering going to the doctors, which for me is a pretty extreme resort. I have an appointment with the nurse next week, and if it is the nice one, I hope I will be able to talk to her about my anxiety and get some advice, and she may recommend me speaking with my GP.
But what if I need help in China? Last time I was in a similar situation at university, I was able to arrange a counselling session within a week of me reaching out. I know that is not going to be possible in this situation.
In spite of all of this, I know that I need to do this. I feel like I need to prove to myself I can do this, and that I won’t let my mental health stop me from experiencing amazing things. I can’t let it get in the way, because that would mean that I wouldn’t be living my life how I wanted. I don’t want this to control me, and so I need to keep going.