Okay, now we are back on track with these promise posts!
If your read my last post, you’ll know that when I earned my second bracelet after being 3 months self harm free, I was feeling very positive. It was very interesting reading that post back, now that I am 6 months clean, and to see the changes I have made.
I have been able to focus on more things that I love, and give myself more time to relax. I usually work six days a week, my day off being spent with my boyfriend. While that is lovely, it doesn’t give me a whole day that I can dedicate to doing what I want to do, and being a bit of a lone wolf, that is something I really enjoy.
However, for the past two weeks, I have given had the opportunity to take 2 days off per week, and it has been lovely. I have managed to maintain my work hours, which has alleviated my anxiety about money, and not working hard enough, and I even went for a massage last week. It was some much needed down time where I didn’t need to worry about anyone else.
Like I said in my last post, the bracelets are a good physical reminder that I don’t really want to hurt myself, not deep down. However, this does not stop the thoughts. Since my last promise, because of some of the difficulties I have had in the past few months, I’m not feeling as positive. I concur that the physical presence of the bracelets serves to remind me not to hurt myself, but it’s hard to get rid of the thoughts.
I have been struggling with urges, especially in the past month or so. I haven’t acted on them, but it’s still quite distressing. The thought that I was only a few weeks away from another bracelet actually helped me through. I know that’s a bit sad, but if I say I am going to do something, I like to follow through, and I hate letting myself down.
Therefore, my next promise to myself is: I will keep going, even when things are hard.
Even when I am lying in bed, and thoughts of what I could do to myself are swirling in my head. Even when I have that object in my hand, the one that could do me harm. I will keep going.
Recovery isn’t about one day waking up and magically finding everything in your life easy, stress free and happy. I think it’s unrealistic to expect a life free of struggle, even when you are considered fully recovered. The important distinction, in my mind, between being recovered or not, is perseverance. When you are in recovery, you are fighting, and trying, and maybe still struggling, but you are able to pick yourself up after a bad day or week.
So, if we were to boil it down, the three things my promises represent so far are strength, happiness and perseverance. I believe they are essential for a healthy life, and recovery from whatever you are struggling with.